That’s the first step of healing.
The problem with loss of any kind is first and foremost that you feel completely alone. Like no one in the world has experienced such loss.
This is any kind of loss, I think. It could be death, heartbreak, betrayal, failure that is not of your producing.
Yesterday, I dropped my camera. Not a big drop, and it was in a case, but afterwards, it didn’t register any photos. Fade to black, as it were. I was really enjoying the low light while I was on a walk, since I think it’s easier to get better shots. After the fall, I went through all those typical emotions of loss, according to Kubler-Ross; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. First, I tried resetting the camera, as when I thought it was broken last time. Then I got angry at myself for being so clumsy. And then I thought with that magical thinking that we all do, even as adults, that I had somehow (I said I knew it was magical thinking!) jinxed it through leaving that ad for a better camera on my counter…And then I felt so depressed because I have ‘way too many other things to spend money on, including not spending money and why am I so clumsy? And then I put the camera away and took some shots with my phone. Acceptance of the brokenness of the world.
And then came home and started looking up what to do with a black screen. Apparently, it’s a common enough problem with Nikons. There are many many many people who have this issue, on many different Nikons. Many suggestions are made and many people thank those who offer the help.
The help that I have found hasn’t helped me yet. But I did learn a lot about my camera that I didn’t know.
I don’t feel panicked at the moment, even though the people who sent their cameras in to Nikon to get fixed
complain mention that it takes up to 4 months to get their cameras back…
I’m still in the denial stage of group loss, I guess.
But in all seriousness, I had started writing this post yesterday morning when trying to process some other issues that are swirling around my circles. I was going to compare this to the feeling that I got the first time I said Yizkor in shul after my mother died. I looked at all the people around me and I realized that all of these people had lost people very close to them–parents; children; siblings; spouses. I didn’t feel the loss of my mother less; I just realized that we all share.
In the realm of Torah, we have lessons from this week’s Portion, Behar. It discusses, among other subjects, the laws of the cyclical Shemittah; the Sabbatical year. Here is an amazing opportunity to reset our lives–social, moral, and yes, financial. We are commanded to be thoughtful to others. This is obviously because we don’t do it on our own, at least enough. My take on this is simple; are we learning from our mistakes of the past? Are we able to reset ourselves?
My camera? I’ll figure something out.
I think I’ll add one photo that I did manage to take yesterday. As a symbol of hope.